Consensual Non-Monogamy

The New York Times recently reported that former NYC Mayor, Bill de Blasio, and his wife Chirlane McCray, are separating after nearly thirty years of marriage. However, they’re not getting a divorce. Or even moving to a separate residence.

Confused? Let me explain the new morality of “consensual non-monogamy.”

Instead of divorcing or legally separating and living separately, they’ve decided to embark on an “open marriage.” So, they can date other people. This arrangement is called “consensual non-monogamy,” which has been discussed quite a bit by therapists in the past decade.

“Over the 17 years that I’ve seen couples, I’ve definitely seen a rise in the last few years,” says Tracy Dalgleish, a clinical therapist in Ottawa, Canada, and the author of the forthcoming book about marital malaise I Didn’t Sign Up for This. “It is being discussed more frequently, and it is a topic that I think has existed beforehand, but perhaps people are more openly sharing about this now.”

Martha Kauppi, a Madison, Wisconsin-based therapist who specializes in non-monogamous and polyamorous couples, trains others on counseling clients about the issue. “It’s definitely a growing thing,” she says. “I’ve been getting questions about it for many years in my own private practice, and have overflowed, which is why I teach therapists to work with it, so I can do a referral.”

A Time.com article opines that “most therapists say such relationships are workable but take a lot of effort, openness, and communication.” It quotes Stan Tatkin, a Los Angeles-based therapist and researcher whose latest book is In Each Other’s Care who says the “The successful ones do it with care and with thoughtfulness.” He further adds that it’s important to have discussions about “what could go wrong, and what do we do if it does, and how are we going to do this so that we remain intact.”

Takin further advises that couples in such relationships need to be “thoughtful,” display “responsibility,” not “hurt each other,” and demonstrate “honesty.”

These articles and quotes remind me of Paul description of the pagan, immoral Gentile world when he said, “professing to be wise, they became fools” (Rom. 1:21).

ThePreachersWord offers these 3 Biblical thoughts.

#1 Let’s define marriage and morality as Jesus did.

When asked about divorce, he said that God ordained marriage to be between one man and one woman for life. To violate those vows by sexual immorality is a sin. And it is a just cause for the immoral person to be “put away” (Matt. 19:1-9).

“Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge” (Heb. 13:4).

In addition, the Bible describes homosexual relations as “against nature.” “Shameful.” And “debased” (Rom. 1:18-28).

Be advised, however, that heterosexual sin is also condemned as a “work of the flesh” and will deprive such persons from “entering the Kingdom of God” (Gal. 5:19-21).

#2 Let’s not be ashamed or shy to speak the Truth.

Sadly, many churches have compromised on God’s laws regarding marriage and morals. The spirit of our secular society has diluted Biblical teaching and deceived “the hearts of the simple.” The popular mantra “It doesn’t make any difference who you love,” has influenced many who claim to be Christians.

Let us not be ashamed of the Gospel of Christ (Rom. 1:16). Let us “speak the truth in love” (Eph. 4:16). And let us “stand against the wiles and schemes of Satan (Eph. 6:11).

#3 Let’s honor and exemplify God’s Word in our marriages.

It’s not enough to be against something. We must be for something. It’s not enough to condemn sin. We must walk in righteousness. It’s too easy to engage in what one author called, “ain’t it awful preaching,” while failing to follow God’s standard in our own lives and marriages.

The second century philosopher and theologian Augustine once observed: “Men are hopeless creatures, and the less they concentrate on their own sins, the more interested they become in the sins of others. They seek to criticize, not to correct. Unable to excuse themselves, they are ready to accuse others.” Let us not fall into that trap.

It may be well to ask before we condemn the likes of de Blasio and others, are we “denying ungodliness and worldly lusts” in our thoughts, attitudes and actions (Titus 2:11-14)?

Are we showing the world the loving, kind, and respectful relationship that God requires of a husband and wife (Eph. 5:22-31)?

Are we not only physically faithful to our spouse, but are we mentally and emotionally faithful (Matt 5:28)?

Are we mutually meeting each other’s needs (1 Cor. 7:1-5)?

Is our communication mutually edifying, encouraging, and constructive (1 Pet. 3:1-7; Eph. 4:29-32)?

Let’s be the light of the world to show that consensual monogamy is not only God’s Way. It is the best way.

–Ken Weliever, The Preacherman