Three Communication Killers

Have you seen the AT&T commercial of the girl calling her boyfriend  to tell him she’s giving him the silent treatment?  He’s confused as she has already called him several times. Her validation for calling is that her family has “free unlimited mobile to any mobile minutes from AT&T so I can call all I want.”

He objects, and says, “I don’t think you understand how the silent treatment works.”  At this point she is shown with a knowing nod and saying nothing.  I think it is very clever.  It gives you a chuckle.  And there’s an element of truth in it. 

It reminds me of the husband and wife that were  having some disagreements  and were giving each other the silent treatment.

The next week, he realized he needed his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Atlanta. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and lose), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM.”

The next morning he woke up, only to discover it was 7:00 AM and that he had missed his flight.

He was absolutely  furious. Now he would break the silence!  And how!  As he was about to jump out of bed to find his wife and demand to know why she failed to awakened him, he noticed a note on his night stand. It read, “It’s 5:00 AM. Wake up.”   

Yesterday we wrote about the importance of effective communication in successful families. Today, I want to follow-up that post by considering some things that hinder  effective communication.  There are many things that will not only hamper your ability to communicate, but can destroy the love in your home.  Consider these three.

(1) Uncontrolled Anger.  Prior to Paul’s treatise on the husband-wife and parent-child relationship in Ephesians 5 and 6, he speaks of putting off the old man and putting on the new man.  He instructs that “in your anger do not sin” (4:26).  Then he lists some specific sins to eliminate from our lives–“bitterness, anger, wrath, and slander” (4:32).  It is no accident that these warnings are given before the admonitions to those in the family.

Uncontrolled anger has destroyed many homes. Some parents communicate displeasure in their children’s actions with an angry attitude.  Vindictively lashing out at our kids will not produce godly actions. Vicious verbal attacks against a spouse will inflict an emotional wound that requires much time and effort to heal. Truly, “a soft answer turns away wrath, but harsh words stir up anger.”  (Prov. 15:1).  Since we reap what we sow, don’t be surprised when your anger results in returned anger.

(2) Critical Eyes and Ears.  Some families have developed a culture of criticism. They are constantly looking and listening for negatives in other family members.  Imperfections are magnified and amplified for all to see and hear.  Psychologist Carl Roger writes that “the major barrier to mutual interpersonal communication is our very natural tendency to judge, evaluate, approve (or disapprove) of the statement of the other person or group.”

Children will not confide in critical, fault-finding parents.  Wives will withdraw emotionally from husbands who are constantly disrespecting them and judging their motives.  Jesus commanded  “Judge not, that you be not judged” (Matt 7:1).

(3) Dishonestly.  We’ve all heard the expression “the truth hurts.”  And it often does.  But guess what hurts worse?  A lie.  Paul exhorted, “Therefore, each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body” (Eph 4:25).  Dishonesty destroys.  It breaks trust, arouses suspicion, creates resentment, gives birth to hostility, damages loving relationships and impedes effective communication.

Effective communication is the foundation of a good relationship with your husband. Wife. Children. Or parents. Avoid the communication killers.  They will kill your relationships.

–Ken Weliever, The Preacherman