Forgiving Infidelity

Recently I read a fascinating book, Same Kind of Different As Me, co-authored by Ron Hall a wealthy upscale art dealer and Denver Moore, a homeless drifter who grew up picking cotton in virtual poverty.

At the center of the story was Ron’s wife, Debbie, who had a heart for the homeless. And how her persistence and compassion continues to make a difference to thousands of people in the inner city.

As a sub plot to the story was the relationship between Ron and Debbie. At one point in their marriage they began drifting apart. In Ron’s words they were “an affluent Christian couple who had faked it for about five years.” During this time he was unfaithful to Debbie twice while traveling on business.

Finally, Ron decided to confess his infidelity to Debbie, secretly hoping she would divorce him. After Debbie’s predicable reaction of anger, hurt, and betrayal, Ron wrote, “the night spun by in a whirl of sleepless anger.”

After airing out their mutual complains against each other the next day, in the office of their preacher, they came home and Debbie shocked Ron when she asked for the other woman’s phone number.

Then, he records this incredible conversation.

“This is Deborah Hall, Ron’s wife. I want you to know I don’t blame you for the affair with my husband,” she said. “I know that I’ve not been the kind of wife Ron needed and I take responsibility for that.”

There was a pause as Debbie listened.

Then she said, “I want you to know that I forgive you. I hope you find someone who will not only truly love you but honor you.”

Ron said he was stunned, but even more so with her next words. “I intend to work on being the best wife Ron could ever want, and if I do my job right, you will not be hearing from my husband again.”

After hanging up the phone, Debbie sighed, turned to Ron and said, “You and I are now going to rewrite the future history of our marriage.”

They mutually agreed to spend time in counseling to figure what was broken, why it got that way, and how to fix it. Debbie said, “If you do that, I’ll forgive you. And I promise I will never bring it up again.”

Ron quickly agreed. And they did indeed repair their broken marriage and managed to make an unexpected, incredible difference in Denver Moore’s life and transform an inner city.

Reading this graphic account was impactful and poignant. I read it again. Then again. I tried to imagine the emotions of Ron and Debbie. Their pain. Their problems. And the indomitable spirit of a determined wife who dared fight for her marriage in spite of the most hurtful type of betrayal.

Then I wondered how many marriages could be saved, even after infidelity, with such an attitude of courage, persistence, and fortitude.

Please be advised that this story (and post) is not intended to be the answer to every instance of infidelity. Every situation is different. The issues are complex. And circumstance, situation, background, and personalities of the people involved affect the outcome.

Furthermore, it’s understood that Jesus offered a scriptural reason for divorce when a spouse is sexually unfaithful to their marriage vows (Matt. 19:9). We do not deny the right of the “innocent party” to exercise this option.

However, I couldn’t help but think how many wives (or husbands) could admit as Debbie did that she bore some responsibility for what happened. Her neglect didn’t excuse Ron, but she realized it was a contributing factor and was willing to change.

A ruptured relationship can be restored when there is confession, contrition, counseling, and, of course, forgiveness. Lots of forgiveness. That’s an attitude that says and means, “I will never bring it up again.”

Much heartache and heartbreak could be soothed and solved by following Paul’s admonition in Ephesians 4:31-32. “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

When two people in a marriage are each willing to admit their faults, work to correct their problems, meet each other’s emotional needs, and apply the Biblical principles of 1 Corinthians 13, Ephesians 5:22-33, and 1 Corinthians 7:1-5, then any obstacle can be overcome.

I wonder if anyone reading this needs to rewrite the future of their marriage?

–Ken Weliever, The Preacherman